What create a monster.

She looked at the mirror and saw

an evil monster looking back.

-And even though 

it had no horns and no claw,

she knew that she had turned into

someone who did not care

about life or death.

-And if you ever ask her

she will swear

that if someone came and gave her a hand

when she needed it the most

She would have been saved.

Suicide.

Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You've had yet another horrible day. You're just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door,& take out that suicide note you've written & rewritten over & over & over. You take out those razor blades, & cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills & take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother or sister knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don't answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you're asleep. Your sibling tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand & reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She's screaming your name. Your sibling, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that "Mommy is crying & sissy won’t wake up." Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what's going on, & he screams. He screams & throws stuff everywhere. & then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, & they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there's an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, & once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they've said to you. That boy that used to tease you & call you names, he can't help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can't handle it. He breaks down & starts crying, & runs out of the school. Your friends? They're sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. & your best friend? She's in shock. She can't believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad. Bad enough for you to end it. She can't cry, she can't feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, & just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It's a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone's crying, your sibling still doesn't know you killed yourself, they're too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him or her a lot. You were their big sister, you were supposed to always be there for them. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries & cries & doesn't stop. It's two years later. Your teachers don't feel the same. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn't know how to love anymore & just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your sibling? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression & just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don't just effect you. They effect everyone. Don't end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can't get better if you give up. I'm here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we've NEVER talked before, I'm here for you. Suicide isn't the answer. Even though I wanted to I didn't.

Exhaustion

I am tired,

not for a lack of rest --

no, I slept quite well last night,

and I've had my tea.

It's something deeper, something

inherently present, in the

fibers of my skin,

in my tendons, in my eyes.

I am exhausted,

fatigued by life,

by the noise and the silence,

the people, and

the empty rooms,

the light and dark;

by hope and

despair.

So worn down by the world

that nothing in it can

refresh my mind from the

constant buzzing.

I am tired, and there are not

enough hours in the night

for the type of rest I need.

A letter to you.

It's got to a point where I dont feel anything for you anymore. I dont love you but I dont hate you, and I'm not even sure I still care about you. Everything I feel is just blurry. We haven't spoke in 150 days now, and although it's taken me this long to realise it, I know now that it was never my fault. Falling for you wasn't a choice, but cutting me out was yours. So I won't apologise for the way we are now. And I dont feel anything. I'm just numb to you and everything I thought I knew. I'm not mad or vengeful or bitter. I'm just really disappointed with how you've turned into somebody I thought you'd never be. You're a completely different person to me now, and I dont wish to get to know that side of you . So this is it now. It's done. I hope you're miserable.

;

Keep smiling,

Things will get better, things get tough in your life. No one is happy all the time, you're human. Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you're a 'freak' 'worthless' 'weak' 'stupid' or make you feel like you feel the need to self harm or commit suicide.

Life is a balancing act, focus more on the beautiful things in life. It's more to do with beauty than pain. You are all different, whether you're gay, trans, straight, whatever. You're all different and you are humans. With a heart and feelings. Things will get better, stay strong.

What's going on now won't hunt you forever, you need help? Seek it. You have loads of people around you. You're beautiful, everyone who's hurting. Keep strong, I love you and many others.

♥

I love to sit in silence

I

I love to sit in the silence

Beneath the shady trees

And listen to the song of birds

And to the buzz of bees.

II

I love to sit in the silence

And watch the Clouds roll by

Then read a book or sing a song

And hear the wild bird cry.

III

I love to sit in the silence

When the day is almost done

And see behind the distant hill

The paint glow of the sun.

IV

I love to sit in the silence

In the evening twilight

And listen to the whippor-will

Singing will all its might

V

I love to sit in the silence

Beneath the starry sky

And pray to all in earnest

To live in silence all the while.

Sick.

It makes me sick, the way

the sadness is addicting. The way

I can't stop. Sadness is familiar.

It's comfortable and it's easy

in a sense that it comes

naturally to me. But everything

else about it is hard. The

way my body aches with

self-hatred. The way my mind

spins and spins with hopeless

thoughts. The way it poisons

everything I do, every relationship

I have. Yes it's addicting,

because I know sadness, and I

know it every well. And there's

a sort of comfort in that, like

being home after a trip of sleeping

in your own bed after being

away. There's just a sense that this

is where I belong. This is how it's

supposed to be.

Non Stop Story

Because every time I tell myself that I'm over you, that your a complete asshole, from out of nowhere, you're right there. In my mind, in my dreams, your everywhere. Is it a sign? Am I going to love you till the day I die?Am I going to forget you some time? I feel desperate, I want to know what I want. I want to know if I want you. I want to know if I need you. All I can say is that I can't live with or without you.

With you, I'm full, I'm me. But you've changed, I changed. We changed. Us changed. Suddenly we're walking side by side and nothing comes out of our mouths. Just as if we've never been friends. We don't have conversation, we talk about the same old things, nothing personal, nothing strong, nothing sad and nothing weak.

Without you, I'm empty, I'm lost. I can't stop thinking about you. You won't stop showing up in my dreams. You won't stop appearing in my thoughts. But yet again, I forget about you, I forget that you exist, I forget what we had, our past, our friendship. 

Day after day, I'm realizing that our friendship is fading away. That we are so over. This is why I get sad and feel so lonely. And again, I start to think that I need you.

And the story starts over and over again. Non-stop. And I want this to stop.

Wrist for cuts.

I posted this image on twitter, and she replied me all this :

"i know you did self harm before, your tumblr says everything."

"i'm sorry okay. it's just that i dont like it. i'm sorry, i'm truly sorry."

"sorry couldnt mend everything. benda dah lepas kan. cuma satu jeh, awak buat self harm ni awak dah tak ingat allah ke?"

"kalau awak kecewa sangat, kenapa tak mengadu dekat allah? dia lagi pendengar yang baik? kalau awak harapkan orang macam kita nak jadi listener"

"memang hampeh lah."

"nak selesaikan masalah bukan macam ni. and i'm really sorry. i'm sorry."

Okay, first of all, let me get you this, that picture isn't mine. It's my friend's. And i didn't do this type of self harm. For me, at least i punch the wall for several times, then i'm okay. Coz, it will give me internal injury so people can't see and dont know what really happened. She thought i've lost my mind and forgot about God. i'm not! Well, i'm kinda have a bipolar disorder. Now i'm looking for 'the old me', which is she's very ego, stubborn and etc. I have reasons why i'm looking for the old me. Btw, in this case, i only apologized to her one time only. I know i shouldn't do this, but as i said i'm really ego. I can say sorry, but people will aspect me insincere. But, once i said i'm sorry, i really meant it.

Sorry.

"Camni la kan.. semua orang suka malukan aku apa ingat aku takde perasaan ke?"

"Just because I dont know how to express my feelings doesnt mean I dont have them."

Dear best friend, I'm sorry for being such as an asshole. I'm sorry I've make you ashamed of what I did. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. And, .. anything just come to me but for now, i'm not available around you.

Come and go.

Don't let others get to you. Just let them go. If they are bothering you that much then they aren't worth having as a friend. It will hurt letting them go but it won't hurt as much if they stay and they keep hurting you more and more. They say friends come and go. You have to decide which ones are worth fighting for and which ones aren't worth fighting. One day you will find that one good person who will always be there for you and they will fight for you and stand up for you. Don't think it is your fault for having shitty friends. It never is. It's their problem for not caring. Don't forget that. Like I said friends come and go. You will just have to be patient for that one friend to come.

Do it for good reasons.

No one is perfect.
We're all human and
we live in a world
where we have this set
image of who we are meant
to be, our beliefs, appearances.

I keep saying this
but people need to accept
other people as being unique.
I'm not one to preach at all,
but it's just something I've
noticed, especially here on
tumblr, with people striving
to be 'perfect' where there is
no proper definition of perfect.

However you are is fine.
If you want to change something
about yourself, do it for good
reasons, not to impress others.

You are you.

It's okay you got a bad grade. It's okay you're not skinny and have bright eyes and don't fit into size four jeans. It's okay boys don't whistle at you (I mean, you are not a dog, are you?) It's okay that your friends are leaving, they'd be sitting with you trying to not make you feel like shit.

It's okay your parents shout at you, they're trying their best and I don't think they remember how it feels to be a teenager anyway. It's okay you feel as though you've lost yourself, everybody does from time to time. It's okay you're still searching for that missing part of you, we all are. It's okay to feel alone, but you must often remind yourself that you are beautiful, individual, a replica of nobody else. You're you and that's damn well good enough for me.

Mad.

I'm mad at myself, not you.

I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you,

But most of all, for not hating you.. which I know I should...

But I just can't.

Cheat.

You're right. People do lie, and cheat, and stab you in the back.

There will be people who use you, and don't love you even though

they say they do. But you can't let that stop you from living. Because

there are people out there who do love you, and would never hurt you.

You have to find those people and keep them in your life forever.

Crush.

I'm too shy

to tell you

how I feel

so I'll hide behind

timid smiles and

soft hellos

I'm afraid

if I ask you

"what do you think

of me?"

you reply will be

"I don't."